Can someone explain any of this? Or relate?
Posted: Tue May 10, 2011 3:15 pm
There aren't very many things that I get nervous telling people, I am pretty much an open book and have nothing to hide from people. But when I have tried to tell those close to me about all of these things, they just don't understand and I am left feeling like I am just being over dramatic or over analyzing things- even though deep down, all of this is totally real to me and is a part of who I am.
I tried to post this earlier but it didn't work so I am going to be leaving some things out but I will try to stick to the basics.
All of this started when I was little- as far back as I can remember. The oddest thing about me is my dreams and everyone who knows me would agree. There was a point when people thought I was exaggerating but here I am at age 27, married with three kids and am still talking about the same things so now people just think of it as one of my quirks. I have always had nightmares. Common themes are spirits, demons, snakes, end of the world scenarios, haunted houses, speaking to people who tell me they are dead, etc. I also taught myself how to fly in my dreams over the course of about a year. I started out just running and jumping unable to control my direction, then, controling my direction but not being able to land, etc. Now I fly at will in my dreams and the feeling is so real I feel it in my waking liffe, that weightless feeling in the pit of my stomach. A lot of my dreams are now lucid. My first lucid dream was when I was about 15. I have dreams inside of dreams inside of dreams sometimes making it hard to distinguish what's real and what's not. In my dreams, I try to tell people like my husband, that he's in my dream. I could write a book about my dreams, honestly. I remember dreams I had as a child..... I used to sleepwalk, sometimes acting out dream scenarios and other times just meaninglessly walking around my house only to be awakened by a family member and recall nothing. I talked in my sleep as well.
When I was little I was always interested in things no one around me was interested in. While most kids my age were reading about the box car kids, I was reading about the bermuda triangle, psychic topics, ghosts, the witches of salem, biblical prophecies, aliens, ufos, abductions, etc. It always upset me that I could never share this interest with others, since no one else was ever really interested.
I was very scared as a child. I was scared to be alone and REALLY protective of my little sister. I used to hold her tight when I fell asleep at night for fear something would take her. I never put my feet on the ground when I was on my bed, on the couch or even at the kitchen table because I had a phobia that something I couldn't see would pull me and take me somewhere. I wet the bed a lot because I was scared to get up and go to the bathroom and the times that I did go to the bathroom, I had to scream out and have a full blown conversation with another family member- this was even as early as age 4. And I rationalized it even then. I thought, if someone was talking to me at all times then nothing could take me. Or that whatever was near me would go away. Because yes, I feel like I have been watched my entire life. When I was about 6, I remember waking up in the middle of the night and looking around my room. Everything on my floor was spinning. All of my toys were moving around allover the place. There were birght orbs of lights floating around my room- like how when you rub your eyes too hard or something, only they were literally everywhere. I called my parents in the room to show them what I was talking about but they couldn't see anything. They told me I was dreaming. It was around that time that I started seeing what I refer to as a sparkle. It is just a small flash of light that appears from time to time and I knew it was an entity of some sort, even at that young age. I knew that was what I was scared of, that's what was following me. It almost looked like a piece of glitter reflecting light briefly, only bigger. I used to be scared of it but as I got older, I got familiar with it. When it flashes, I know it has either entered or left the room. The entity has never talked to me and I have never seen a physical form, but I know it's there and it is as real to me as anyone else. I feel like I "know it". Like it's a friend. It usually shows up when I am thinking about something deep and meaningful- like when I am "onto something". It sends chills allover my body, from head to toe. There have been many times where I felt something touching me, something pulling my hair or tapping my back.
I have always felt different- like detached from the world as if I am watching a movie play out. But at the same time, I feel a DEEP connection for humanity and the world, like sympathy. I go out of my way to help total strangers. I cry a lot for no apparent reason. I have always felt like I am supposed to do something huge with my life and as I get older the feeling gets stronger. There are times when I try to gorget about all of this just to be able to live a normal life and feel normal, but then ironic things start happening that leads me right back where I started- trying to figure things out.
I could literally bore you all to death with everything that has happened to me in my life and why I feel so strange. But the thing is- now my kids are experiencing these things. It started with my oldest when he was 2. He is developmentally delayed so at that time he couldn't even talk just mutter things, but he would see things and point at things.....then when he started talking he would tell me about people in his room. He had imaginary friends as well. He also has the strange nightmares and the weird thing is, they are similar to nightmares I have. Now, my middle child who is two is having these same experiences. It's worse with her than it was with my oldest. She has full blown conversations with people who are not there. She is scared just like I was as a child and has the same bedwetting problems. She runs out of her room screaming about monsters and people, etc.
I also feel I should mention my extreme paranoia. I obsessively check and re-check all doors and windows. I check on my kids multiple times through the night to make sure they aren't gone. I plot out escape routes in my mind should anything ever go down. I have been this way all of my life, just overly protective and constantly on edge of something crazy happening.
Also, people tell me that they feel drawn to me, like that they know I am supposed to help them with something..... Everyone surrounds me. All family functions are held at my house. Even as a child everything was centered around me, all of my friends would meet up at my house. I always thought I was just a natural born leader but now I feel like it is something else, like I am actually going to save people from something bad..... I attract all kinds of stray animals and homeless people and people who are in bad situations. I always find myself helping someone with something and it's draining.
Also, last year I started experiencing the "11:11" phenomenon, though when I read about the explanation online I am not sure it really answers my questions about it. That's a whole different topic for another time, just thought I would throw that one in there.
Now I am reading about the whole owl thing and it never occured to me that there is anything special about it- but I have had several dreams of owls- bad dreams. Also, when I was little there used to be an owl that stayed perched in the tree located right next to my bedroom and it kept me up at night. I just called my brother and sister to ask if they remembered it and they have no idea what I was talking about.
And my emotions- are crazy. I remember one time when I had gotten into it with my parents, I stormed out of the house and met up at the park with my friends. We were all standing by the river- about 8 of us, and the harder I cried, the stronger the wind would blow and the waves would crash into the wall. Everyone noticed it and looked at me like I was crazy. Even they thought somehow I was controling the environment by crying, when they never even believed in that sort of thing. When I was like 17 all of my friends stopped coming over my house because they said it was haunted and it scared them. My dad once had a dream that he tried getting in my room but a force through him out, he called it a demon. Naturally, he had our house blessed by a pastor after that. One of my old friends had dreams of me crawling backwards on her ceiling and she started distancing herself from me after that.
I am going on and on here, I know. But I am just looking for possible explanations. I am at my whits end with all of this and I just either want it all to stop or at least figure it out..... Why does all of this stuff happen to me? And now to my kids?
I tried to post this earlier but it didn't work so I am going to be leaving some things out but I will try to stick to the basics.
All of this started when I was little- as far back as I can remember. The oddest thing about me is my dreams and everyone who knows me would agree. There was a point when people thought I was exaggerating but here I am at age 27, married with three kids and am still talking about the same things so now people just think of it as one of my quirks. I have always had nightmares. Common themes are spirits, demons, snakes, end of the world scenarios, haunted houses, speaking to people who tell me they are dead, etc. I also taught myself how to fly in my dreams over the course of about a year. I started out just running and jumping unable to control my direction, then, controling my direction but not being able to land, etc. Now I fly at will in my dreams and the feeling is so real I feel it in my waking liffe, that weightless feeling in the pit of my stomach. A lot of my dreams are now lucid. My first lucid dream was when I was about 15. I have dreams inside of dreams inside of dreams sometimes making it hard to distinguish what's real and what's not. In my dreams, I try to tell people like my husband, that he's in my dream. I could write a book about my dreams, honestly. I remember dreams I had as a child..... I used to sleepwalk, sometimes acting out dream scenarios and other times just meaninglessly walking around my house only to be awakened by a family member and recall nothing. I talked in my sleep as well.
When I was little I was always interested in things no one around me was interested in. While most kids my age were reading about the box car kids, I was reading about the bermuda triangle, psychic topics, ghosts, the witches of salem, biblical prophecies, aliens, ufos, abductions, etc. It always upset me that I could never share this interest with others, since no one else was ever really interested.
I was very scared as a child. I was scared to be alone and REALLY protective of my little sister. I used to hold her tight when I fell asleep at night for fear something would take her. I never put my feet on the ground when I was on my bed, on the couch or even at the kitchen table because I had a phobia that something I couldn't see would pull me and take me somewhere. I wet the bed a lot because I was scared to get up and go to the bathroom and the times that I did go to the bathroom, I had to scream out and have a full blown conversation with another family member- this was even as early as age 4. And I rationalized it even then. I thought, if someone was talking to me at all times then nothing could take me. Or that whatever was near me would go away. Because yes, I feel like I have been watched my entire life. When I was about 6, I remember waking up in the middle of the night and looking around my room. Everything on my floor was spinning. All of my toys were moving around allover the place. There were birght orbs of lights floating around my room- like how when you rub your eyes too hard or something, only they were literally everywhere. I called my parents in the room to show them what I was talking about but they couldn't see anything. They told me I was dreaming. It was around that time that I started seeing what I refer to as a sparkle. It is just a small flash of light that appears from time to time and I knew it was an entity of some sort, even at that young age. I knew that was what I was scared of, that's what was following me. It almost looked like a piece of glitter reflecting light briefly, only bigger. I used to be scared of it but as I got older, I got familiar with it. When it flashes, I know it has either entered or left the room. The entity has never talked to me and I have never seen a physical form, but I know it's there and it is as real to me as anyone else. I feel like I "know it". Like it's a friend. It usually shows up when I am thinking about something deep and meaningful- like when I am "onto something". It sends chills allover my body, from head to toe. There have been many times where I felt something touching me, something pulling my hair or tapping my back.
I have always felt different- like detached from the world as if I am watching a movie play out. But at the same time, I feel a DEEP connection for humanity and the world, like sympathy. I go out of my way to help total strangers. I cry a lot for no apparent reason. I have always felt like I am supposed to do something huge with my life and as I get older the feeling gets stronger. There are times when I try to gorget about all of this just to be able to live a normal life and feel normal, but then ironic things start happening that leads me right back where I started- trying to figure things out.
I could literally bore you all to death with everything that has happened to me in my life and why I feel so strange. But the thing is- now my kids are experiencing these things. It started with my oldest when he was 2. He is developmentally delayed so at that time he couldn't even talk just mutter things, but he would see things and point at things.....then when he started talking he would tell me about people in his room. He had imaginary friends as well. He also has the strange nightmares and the weird thing is, they are similar to nightmares I have. Now, my middle child who is two is having these same experiences. It's worse with her than it was with my oldest. She has full blown conversations with people who are not there. She is scared just like I was as a child and has the same bedwetting problems. She runs out of her room screaming about monsters and people, etc.
I also feel I should mention my extreme paranoia. I obsessively check and re-check all doors and windows. I check on my kids multiple times through the night to make sure they aren't gone. I plot out escape routes in my mind should anything ever go down. I have been this way all of my life, just overly protective and constantly on edge of something crazy happening.
Also, people tell me that they feel drawn to me, like that they know I am supposed to help them with something..... Everyone surrounds me. All family functions are held at my house. Even as a child everything was centered around me, all of my friends would meet up at my house. I always thought I was just a natural born leader but now I feel like it is something else, like I am actually going to save people from something bad..... I attract all kinds of stray animals and homeless people and people who are in bad situations. I always find myself helping someone with something and it's draining.
Also, last year I started experiencing the "11:11" phenomenon, though when I read about the explanation online I am not sure it really answers my questions about it. That's a whole different topic for another time, just thought I would throw that one in there.
Now I am reading about the whole owl thing and it never occured to me that there is anything special about it- but I have had several dreams of owls- bad dreams. Also, when I was little there used to be an owl that stayed perched in the tree located right next to my bedroom and it kept me up at night. I just called my brother and sister to ask if they remembered it and they have no idea what I was talking about.
And my emotions- are crazy. I remember one time when I had gotten into it with my parents, I stormed out of the house and met up at the park with my friends. We were all standing by the river- about 8 of us, and the harder I cried, the stronger the wind would blow and the waves would crash into the wall. Everyone noticed it and looked at me like I was crazy. Even they thought somehow I was controling the environment by crying, when they never even believed in that sort of thing. When I was like 17 all of my friends stopped coming over my house because they said it was haunted and it scared them. My dad once had a dream that he tried getting in my room but a force through him out, he called it a demon. Naturally, he had our house blessed by a pastor after that. One of my old friends had dreams of me crawling backwards on her ceiling and she started distancing herself from me after that.
I am going on and on here, I know. But I am just looking for possible explanations. I am at my whits end with all of this and I just either want it all to stop or at least figure it out..... Why does all of this stuff happen to me? And now to my kids?